the day i started measuring my thighs on graph paper.

Unlike most people who want to be skinny, I Loathed it. I used to tell my best friend that I desired to be so fat that they would have to weld two desks together in school for my lard butt to fit in. I was very skinny in my teenage years and I was self conscious about it. I took weight gainer formulas and didn't wear shorts once in public after the age of 13. I thought my legs were disgustingly skinny. And they likely were. I remember in 8th grade walking out to the field for gym in shorts and I swore I heard 2 girls snickering about how gross my skinny legs were. Well that was it for me. My legs disappeared for about 15 years. Now to make up for it I wear shorts in the winter. I love my legs now. How am I still single with these caliber of sexy legs only God knows. But I think to make clear my obsession as a child I'll leave you with this . I used to trace my thighs on graph paper from week to week to see if they were growing. I still have the outlines. They never got wider in those days. It was frustrating. It's amazing how your mind can play tricks on you as a teenager. It's part of the reason I want to speak at youth groups to tell kids the truth about themselves and not what their convuleted minds and peers say. I think my 'skinny legs' were the start of my loss of self esteem and the subsuquent health issues. I am pretty sure I was the only one ever to measure their legs on graph paper in hopes of becoming fat though. And being unique is always fun. God bless.

I apparently am the main suspect in the theft of a laptop computer,,and God is still good.

It's funny because I have been working on an article about the potential eternal ramifications of trying to define the term " God is good." Yesterday, I also started writing about the only time I was victim of a robbery. Then today the 2 subjects assimiliated into a real life scenario in my life. I am for all intensive purposes the main suspect in a theft of a developmentally disabled man's computer. And in all honesty, if I was doing the investigation I would think I was guilty. I even told the police investigator such. Allow me to explain.

I work for Arc of Monroe County. It's an agency that supports the developmentally handicapped. It's my last week of work there as I got a job with New York State doing the same thing.

In May I had to approve my timecard electronically so I stopped by an Arc house I have never been to before. It was the closest house to my apartment so that's why I went to that one to do it. I spent about 30 second there and left.

In June I picked up some overtime in that very same house. My first shift there was a Sunday. At the end of my shift I picked up a man from his mom's house, dropped him off back at the group home,and went home.

Turns out that that weekend that same man's 800 dollar laptop was stolen out of his room. He uses the laptop to communicate as he is inaudible.

I was called down to work a few weeks ago to answer questions about this theft. I told them I don't know anything about it and didn't think about it again until today.

Today I was called down to be interviewed by a person working in between the Arc and the Police. He is working for both and is deciding whether or not to press charges.

He told me that the man from the group home has implemented that I was the one who stole the computer. This man allegedly told police the following " In May, A good friend came into my room to use my bathroom because his stomach hurt,and I saw him staring at my computer. His name was Joe and he came back in June and stole my computer. But he is a good friend."

This guy doesn't speak audibly. He also has no clue what my name is as I only worked with him for about an hour total in the 3 shifts I worked at this house. So he typed all this information out on a computer apparently?

So knowing that I didn't steal the computer and that God is in control, I decided to tell this go between investigator that it looks really bad for me and I would think I did it to if I was investigating this case.

Here are some things I told him that make me look really bad here.

-----" It was my first time working in the house so of course I look like the bad apple who came in and stole it."

----- " It's funny he said I came into his room with stomach problems because I have a bowel disease."

------ " I don't even own a computer at home because I got rid of it when I quit gambling" Hahaha. ( Hello , gambler who has no money needs a computer to gamble so he steals one from work?"

------ " I look really guilty here, this is a perfect way to end my 7 years at the Arc"

Here are some of the things I said that make me look innocent:

----- " Do you think I'm enough of an idiot to steal a computer the first time I work somewhere?"

------ " Don't you think whoever stole it did so on the first day a new staff worked there to make it look like the new staff? (The 'Commish' would be proud of me on this one)

------ " How the heck does this man implicate me when he doesn't even know my name? Somebody fed him this information"

------ " God is in control."

I proceeded to tell him about my past and how I was sick and made a living gambling. Sure it looks bad for me in the cut and dry, but I try not to live in the cut and dry anymore. I told him since I quit gambling I have seen people get saved. It was funny. I basically was incriminating myself on purpose by telling the truth about things, and then implementing God's will above all else. Ah my life is very interesting indeeed. Who says "normal" is where it's at?

Basically I look guilty, and I don't care. God is in control. Even if I end up being charged with something there is a reason. Maybe there is someone who's path I need to come across because of this. I have such apathy for life without God that I actually am excited a little bit that I'm so obviously the lead suspect in a petty larceny case. Hahhaha.Who cares what happens if it's in his hands. "Meaningless,utterly meaningless. Everything under the sun is meaningless without God"

He said to call him in 2 weeks because he is on vacation. He said there is a 50/ 50 chance they will ask me to do a lie detector test.

So I will be in limbo about this for the next month or so. I told him I start with the State In 2 weeks and really hope this doesn't interfere with my job. He made sure to point out I am not being charged or suspected. But come on , it looks like I did it. And I told him so. (haha)

I know God has his hand on my life. I know I'm protected by his blood that was shed. I know I didn't steal the computer. It feels like a type of setup because I did indeed stop in the house in May to punch my time in and I do have bowel issues. So the client's story seems to add up in a very eerie way. Conceievably I could have went into his room in May to use his bathroom. It just boggles my mind at this point to think how bad this looks for me.

Maybe I'll go to jail. . Maybe in Jail I'll fall in love with a female prison guard and get married and serve gruel sandwiches at my wedding reception. Maybe in jail I'll proclaim my innocence over an in house double feature movie of "The Fugitive" and " Shawshank Redemption." Maybe in jail God will save a soul.

Of course I'm kidding about jail. I know It's not going to come to that. But my therapy for the moment on this issue, is alot of trust in God and a little blogging.

Until this is resolved I'm just going to procaim to all that will listen that the one armed man did it. God is good all the time. I'm just learning not to define "Good."

Introspection on Inception,New Job,And Another God Sent Sign.

---- My thoughts on the movie inception. It was a classic mind screwing ,which has been done before many times. It's concept was fascinating and the the fact they made it the way they did was pure revenue genious. Basically you have to see it twice to really grasp it, and if you liked it in any way shape or form,(which seems to be everyone), not only do you have to see it twice to get it,,you want to see it twice.. So kudos from a bottom line standpoint to the creators..

----- What I really got out of the movie was my mind started working on strange levels during it. I actually came up with idea's for blog's and was enlightened by some other idea's in my life too while watching it.

I lost track of what was going on a few times not only becasue it was confusing even if you are focusing, but because my mind was in overdrive about other things. One thing I took away from it was all the events and thoughts in our lives that involve three levels..

I'm gonna try to start writing an invividual blog for things such as love, self consciousness, poker, heaven, and bowel movements; and what I believe about the leveling's involved in each of those.

One direct thought that came to mind during the move was this : YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY, BUT SOCIETY MASKS IT FOR YOU IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO. I want to start writing in a way where I could care less what people thought of me. Maybe I will sound " weird" or " too open" , or " drunk on the kool-aid " or "jaded" ,,but if you think I am those things,its only because you are trying to define my reality, which is a societal curse.

If everyone walked around naked except for me ,you would think I was weird for wearing clothes. When we see someone talking to themselves, we think they are weird. What if we are weird for not talking to ourselves? ...ha..See this movie leveled me.. Just as long as I stay out of "limbo."(see the movie)

----- I can pinpoint one moment in my life where I experienced a dream that was leveled as such that when I woke up I couldn't grasp whether it was real or not.

About 8 years ago, I woke up from a dream where I commited a crime. I woke up almost sure it was real and was worried I would get caught. I kept trying to figure out if it was real or not and couldn't grasp it. Then I actually believed that I had spent months thinking it might be real, when in reality the dream just happened. It still is fascinating to think about. That's the only time I had an "inception" moment.

ABOUT MY NEW JOB:

A Year and a half ago I was terminated(ha) out of a relationship solely due to the fact I was blinded by my own circumstance. Naturally the woman wanted me to work at gaining a career. I was so warped by the lies of my own circumstantial insuffiency that I continued making a living playing cards, because I thought my illnesses and physical maladies would make it impossible to have a full time career.

Upon the defunctment (Ha) of this relationship, I told my lovely mother that I didn't know how I could work full time gainfully the way I was feeling. She told me that she has a friend who happens to live on my street, that works for New York State and makes a decent living. She did the same thing I did at Arc ,but only with the state.(working with developmentally disabled)..

In February 2009 I applied to take the state exam. In June 2010 my name came up to take the test. Last week I got offered the job, working Wednesday thru Sunday overnights. I had to decide by last Friday. Thursday night I was telling my mom I didn't know whether to take it or not. The hours were awful and I hate change, amongst other up's and downs of taking it or leaving it.

I told her that it's frustrating because God knows exactly what he wants me to do . He wants me to say yes or no. There is no in between. One choice is part of his plan for my life. The other was missing his boat. I wanted to know which was right. I wanted him to make it clear. She prayed with me before I went home that night.

My other job has been awful lately. I am being mistreated by a manager who for lack of a better way of explaining it.. Is not even worthy of managing an empty petri dish. Also I felt led to leave because the last person God put on my heart to try to get "saved" , got saved 2 weeks ago. ( details in a forthcoming blog).

I went home Thursday night and decided to call the house to talk to a staff, just to see what the house and job was like. The staff I spoke to was very kind and friendly. As I got to talking to the lady she mentioned she lived on Smith street in Webster. She actually lives on my street , directly across the street. Turns out the lady who told my mom about the job years ago, that caused my mom to recollect about it in my time of suffering, was actually the last line of defense between me and taking or leaving the job.

She spoke with me for 2 hours about every nuance of the house and job. She told me it was the best house in the area in terms of lack of drama and team work amongst staff. I told her how amazing it was that of all people I happened to call and talk to her...My neighbor..

This was the sign that I needed from God. No way was THAT a coincidence. It was a full circle and symbolic sign . Much like the one about the warts. He allowed my mom to plant this idea in my head at my weakest moment, knowing that years later it was going to be what was best for me when my 'deception in my perception' syndrome was lifted. The inception of the idea came from the same lady that I 'randomly' called to get information about what I should do, the night before I had to decide.

I think its amazing he sculpts things out so meticulously like this. Maybe I'm taking this job to end up hating it and lead to another purpose. That's the concept of the danger of self defining "God is Good" , that I will discuss in another write up. I will call it " God is good; But don't try to define "Good" or you might end up mistakingly thinking he is a Punk. " But for now , God has made it obvious he has his hand in this job, and I know he will bless it for as long as he wants me there.

Thanks for your time

SONG: Great song by Jeremy Camp... These blogs I believe are a labor of love. I look forward to the day that someone reads this and decides to pray the salvation prayer .It's going to happen one day, whether it be today or years from now. It will all be worth it then,and is really the most important purpose of all this .(with the 2nd purpose being my own selfish therapuetic quenchings) In case that day is today, here is the salvation prayer if you are ready to accept Christ into your life as your God.

Dear Lord, I admit that I am a sinner. I have done many things that don’t please you. I have lived my life for myself. I am sorry and I repent. I ask you to forgive me. I ask you to come into my heart and life as my Lord and saviour. I believe that you died on the cross for me, to save me. You did what I could not do for myself. I come to you now and ask you to take control of my life, I give it to you. Help me to live every day in a way that pleases you. I love you, Lord, and I thank you that I will spend all eternity with you.

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=724JLC6FmRo

i have mad writer's block yo

A Miracle From God

On March 5th 2009 at 930pm I was taken to a Godly Universe for about one minute. It was auditory and gravitational ,and I knew it was God blessing me with his presence. It was an hour before I was to start my first full time shift in 5 years. Also having done so after devoting myself to quitting poker and working full time..

The first human contact I had after this out of body visit from the Lord was with a co-worker. I will call Mike. I told Mike about my experience and he asked me to pray for his brother ,Kami. He told me Kami had not left the house in years due to schizophrenia. Not even his room,other then to use the bathroom or go to the therapist .I prayed for him that weekend and when I saw him that following Monday night he told me that whatever “crazy shit” I was doing worked,and to keep doing it. He said that Kami came out of his room over the weekend and asked to watch television and eat cereal. He said this was a miracle in and of itself.

Fast Forward 16 months to last Friday. I had talked to Mike the past 16 months and Kami had not had any more breakthrough since that day last March. He was back in his room and not coming out. On the day a month ago that my original wart of over 5 years disappeared( read previous blog entitled "the one about the wart") after I prayed in faith for them to go, I got up and started praying for other miracles. One of which was Kami to not only get out of bed,but to actually leave the house.

Last Friday I took a resident out from my old house that Mike works at . I was leaving and I saw Mike on the phone. I waved to him and got in my car. God said “go back”. So I waited for him to get off the phone and went to talk to him.

The first thing he said to me was that The Lord had helped him with a issue he was having. He said it was only by the Grace of Jesus that he got thru what he was going thru. This is the first time I remember Mike initiating a conversation about God.

I then asked him how his brother was. He told me that about a month ago Kami came out of his room and asked to go to Wal-mart. He actually went out to Wal-mart for awhile and came back to the house after a few hours out. I jokingly yelled at him for not calling me the moment this happened. I asked Mike when was the last time Kami left the house like this and he said it had been at least 5 years.

In awe of God and the situation I told Mike the wart story. I told him that about a month ago I prayed that Kami would leave the house that very day that my wart disappeared. I believe that it was likely the same day I prayed this that Kami left the house. There is no way of knowing for sure but we both agreed it was about a month ago for both incidents. He was so happy and impressed by God and what he did for his brother, and for himself as well.

Mike says he is a Christian but next time I see him I’m going to ask my new favorite question for Christians . “Can you pinpoint the exact moment you prayed for Christ’s salvation?” I will write a blog in more detail soon about the misnomer that people have of their own salvation. I believe a lot of “Christians “ are walking around not even knowing that they may have never prayed the pivotal prayer. I believe some are deceived by assumption of an entry point of salvation, whether it be because their parents were christians and they grew up in the church, or for other reasons.

Anyways, it was no coincidence that the assumed same day that God made my huge wart of 5 plus years disintegrate without a trace of its existence ,he also helped a man who hadn’t left the house in 5 plus years go to Wal-mart.

God is real. And he wants to give you stories to share of his realness.

Shame On You Lebron

Say It Ain’t So Lebron
By Joe DiBella


You might find it funny to learn that I have a history of yelling at my television set. This had been a pastime of mine for awhile, and it always involves sports. Sometimes its yelps of joy and excitement. Sometimes screams of pain and anguish. I’m pretty mild mannered in real life. I deliver most of my conversation with a monotone, drab, and dry status. In my recent attempt at not being overly excitable at sporting events happenings, I have tried to yell at my television set less. I was doing well until last night.


When Lebron James looked at Jim Gray and told him he was taking his talents elsewhere, (Who says that anyways) I had a mild set back in my self control. I jumped off my couch and shouted “A-hole” at my television like I had just found out on ‘ Jerry Springer’ that I was not the real father. Yes, I said the full expletive. No, I didn’t abbreviate it. What brought out this emotion in me so impulsively was probably the fact you can let out a improper word faster then you can produce a tear. I needed to let loose some immediate response to this event that was a travesty on so many levels. Thursday night Lebron James became the first athlete in sports history to take less money, but still sell out.


The Cleveland Cavaliers are not my favorite team. They are second. I am a Boston Celtics fan. I admit though I was rooting for Cleveland this year to beat Boston in the second round of the playoffs. See as I get older I am more of a sports fan. I look for the “Let’s see the feel good story prevail”, the “Let’s see a tortured city finally win”, and the “ Wow, this guy is special and I think I want to watch him play more then I want my favorite team to play", angles. I like sports. The bravado of the moment. The enjoyment of the spine tingling images. The resurrection of human spirit thru their team’s successes. They are all so captivating to me.


I have watched my teams win major titles in every sport but hockey. I love the feeling of “feeling good” while watching a game or a march to a title. I look for that feeling. I was chasing that feeling for the city of Cleveland thru their basketball team. A city that hasn’t seen a pro sports championship since 1964. And I was watching them be led by that “Wow” player. For the past 7 years, The Cleveland Cavaliers and Lebron James punched all those tickets I yearn for. Then Thursday night came.


One reason Lebron leaving Cleveland upsets me so greatly is that he was my favorite player in the N.B.A. since Michael Jordan. I don’t like Kobe. I have never been able to watch him play and enjoy myself, or appreciate what I was watching. I didn’t care how good he was or that he did things no one else did. I had no interest in him. I’m not sure why. Lebron was different. I loved watching him play. I loved watching him warm up. Heck I loved watching him tie his shoes. I can’t describe any reason why, other then he reminded me of Jordan. And Jordan reminded me of the sacredness of my childhood. It wasn’t a choice to let Lebron affect me the way he did. It just happened. And I loved it because I never thought I would feel remotely about watching a player the same way I did about watching Michael Jordan.


Lebron has made a big mistake. He turned his back on people. Human beings. When it boils down to it, everything’s about people. And preferably people other then yourself. I don’t blame him completely. We have made sports about championships. We have made it about a 2 or 3 day stretch of glory where you hold a trophy in your hand, pour champagne on your teammates, and parade thru the city streets with confetti falling on your head. Not to mention the bragging rights that go along with it.


Whereas championships have been made important in all sports, they have been made most important in professional basketball. The reason they have been made that important in basketball is because of this: SUPERSTARS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS IN BASKETBALL. It goes hand in hand. There are very few exceptions to that rule. Quick, name me the greatest basketball players to never win a title. You would probably spit out names like Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and John Stockton. After that you would have to start naming second level players. If you take the bevy of all time greats in the National Basketball Association; Jordan, Bird, Thomas, Bryant (not jelly-bean), Magic, Kareem, Dr. J, Duncan, Russell, Chamberlain, And West; all have won world championships. Most of them have won more then one. Would they still be mentioned in this immortal realm if they hadn’t won any titles? It’s important to Lebron to win it all, because society and history tells us that’s what defines greatness.


I can’t blame him for wanting it. But I can blame him for creating such a pinch in his mind, that he had to bolt at the age of 25 to chase a title that didn’t need to be chased in this way at this time. He chased it at age 25, gave up about 25 million to do so, and all this at an age 3 years younger then Jordan’s first title was won. This was a move of a 30 something, desperate basketball player. This was not a move for a one of a kind player whom was just hitting his mid twenties.


Yes all of the above names won a title. But none of them did it this way. Lebron covets a title so badly that he compromised his legacy. Not only compromising it, but perhaps flip flopping it altogether.


There are four main parts for attaining a legacy in sports. 1) What you did. 2) How you did it. 3) How you acted while it was happening. 4) Who you did it for. Lebron has in one moment changed all 4 of those components of his legacy. And not for the better.

Sure part of building a “legacy” is winning titles. But he may have negated the “title” part of his legacy (if he even win’s one), by compromising the integrity of his pursuit. No one likes to watch people take the most direct route to greatness. That’s why we always get annoyed with the celebrities who fall face first into riches via their parent’s successes. I doubt anyone has ever said, “ Good for her. Paris Hilton really earned all that she has.”


Another part of the automatic taint on his legacy is that he went from Cleveland to Miami of all places. If he had won a title in Cleveland he would be rarified and canonized for all of time. Heck even if he just played his career out and didn't win one he would always be beloved in Ohio. But a title would mean the world to the people of the city. Some would say they could even die in peace afterwards(ask a red sox fan). If he wins a title in Miami, the most sterile,fair weather fanned sports city in America, it will only scratch a surface level in terms of appreciation. You don’t hear of a lot of starved for success, die-hard Miami Heat fans. You don’t hear of them because they don’t exist.


He also may have negated the “Alpha dog”,cutting edge part of his legacy. Mooching onto a team with another mega superstar doesn’t exactly scream, “Hey I’m the man and I want to win a title the right way: Built Around me, carried by me, delivered by me”, does it? The end doesn’t always justify the means.


So touching on the four “legacy” questions as of today, July 11th, 2010, Miami Heat forward Lebron James resume’ looks like this: You went to someone else’s team(Wade) , in a self produced one hour special, stabbing your hometown in the back, and you still haven’t won a thing. How’s that for a legacy thus far? Good thing your numbers are off the charts because it’s the only redeemable factor into your legacy as of now. And as I mentioned before, I don’t think he can improve his legacy in Miami no matter what he does, as long as its along side Wade. Actually, On the contrary.


What did Lebron leave in the embers and ashes with his decision? A city that is emotionally and soon to be financially devastated. My two most gripping and heart wrenching images of these past few days were these: One was watching the one clip where Lebron is throwing the powder up in the air, and every Cav’s fan in the front level seats mimicking it with him. When I saw that particular clip, it broke my heart. That wasn’t about basketball. That was about a city in love, for better or worse, with a hometown son that made them all glow with pride.


The other image was that of city employee’s taking down his billboard. The billboard was of James’ outstretched arms with the words,”We are all witnesses.” It covered a gigantic wall from top to bottom just outside the arena. It was a larger then life image, which permeated the city’s facade. It was a staple of hope and admiration. When I saw it in person 3 years ago, it gave me goose bumps. And there it was being taken down and discarded of like old love letters left behind from a jilted relationship.


Michael Jordan came out the other day and said he couldn’t believe Lebron did what he did. Even Charles Barkley, one of the most esteemed names without a title ring, said he would never do what James’ did at his age. Barkley said he would want to be “the man” in pursing a ring and would want to do it the right way.


When arguably the greatest to ever live and the greatest to never win a title don’t like what you have done, there is a major fundamental problem with your ‘decision.’ If I could re-write the old adage of you must win titles to be immortalized in basketball, I think I would write it like this after Thursday night. It’s important to win championships to be immortal in this league, but you can’t chase titles with reckless disregard for everything inside of you and around you. If that’s going to be the case, you’re better off with no rings.


But he can’t be completely to blame. We (society and media) all have told him that winning is everything. We have told him that he can’t be the greatest without putting multiple rings on his finger. We have all told him with his virtuoso talents he must produce titles. Indirectly we convinced him he had to panic and bolt for the greenest pastures possible. We have to take our fair share of the responsibilities for the most transcendent and gifted player of this generation to act like this. To taint his legacy forever without ever having stepped foot on the court.


That being said, I’m not sure Lebron realizes what he has done. I thought he was a student of the history of the game. But maybe that was an aberration he created to come off more like Jordan. Because being a student of the games history himself, Michael Jordan wouldn’t play sidekick to God himself, no less Dwayne Wade. Jordan understood what had to be done,and how it needed to be done also.


Here is another thing we forget in all this. As we know him, us as fans have just lost one of the most exciting players to ever lace up the shoes. He can’t be the spectacular, be all,end all, In Miami. Not with the 3rd best player in the world playing next to him. Lebron just made a conscientious decision to not be the man anymore. Maybe it was a cop out. Maybe he never asked for sole propriety of the burden of carrying a franchise on his shoulders. But he made a decision to deny us of his full talents in the prime of his career. He robbed a city and a nation of his full capacities.


I have heard a few people say he is just going to transist into a Magic Johnson type player now. But Magic created the Magic brand. He was original. Magic was still the man on those Lakers’ teams. He never would have walked into someone else’s brand in any way, no less reinvented himself to boot.


The Bottom line is Lebron James was too good to jump into a dream team scenario. He was too special to be this guy, at this time, on this team. We were not talking about just another superstar ballplayer. We were talking about a transcendent player that no one has ever seen the likes of before. He didn’t need to panic at age 25. He didn’t have to betray himself, the game, or his home. But he did.


Some may say,” Well he took less money. How noble of him." Yes he left about 25 million on the table after the 6 year sign and trade deal. To me though, leaving the money almost represents the opposite of what some people are saying about it. It makes him look even worse I think. Essentially he said to Cleveland, “I’m so enamored with the most automatic route to titles that I’m even going to turn my back on you folks. And I’m going to leave your cash behind as an extra slap in the face.”


Clevelander’s don’t even have the solace in being able to say “Well we couldn’t pay him”. They have to sit around with a new complexity now. One which mirrors, “The fumble”, “The drive” ,”Jose Mesa”, “The shot”, and “Art Modell.” Their “Good Son” left 25 million on the table and abandoned them. It’s unprecedented. Lebron James’ somehow managed to sell out while taking less money. That might be the only transcendent thing that we remember him by now.


In my 9 years of watching Lebron in high school and the pro’s, I have loved watching and talking about him to people. He made me overjoyed to watch and speak about. I called him “he” to people. “Did you see what ‘he’ did last night?” “ ‘He’ is just unbelievable.” When I wasn’t calling him “he”, I always addressed him simply as “Lebron.” When you feel compelled to call someone you have never met exclusively by their first name, you know that that player has arrived into your sports life as someone special. I can count only one other player I ever addressed by their first name exclusively: Michael. In the past three days I have not called him Lebron once.


Three days ago Lebron James was so authentic and so valuable to my sports passions that I lumped him into a category with only Michael Jordan. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t comparing him to Michael. I just was happy to have found someone that reminded me of watching him. Now with one one hour egomaniacal special, and one sentence proclaiming his “talents” were jumping to the mother ship, Michael stands alone once again.

Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Maybe you’re never supposed to go looking for your childhood heroes in a different form later on. Maybe I owe him a thank you for what he did on Thursday night. For stripping away “Lebron”, and leaving behind only “Michael.” So here it is. Thank you Mr. James.

The One About My Wart.

I think its funny that God has taken someone such as myself that used to be so worried about self consciousness and allowed me to talk so openly about such things as bowels and now warts. I really appreciate God's sense of humor in my life. Alot of people with Bowel disease don't even tell people about it because its embarassing. The way I look at it ,you all crap. So I do so 8 to 10 times more than you. What's the big deal?

I used to be so paranoid about every little thing about me. Basically,what people thought of me. I didn't wear shorts for about 10 years because I believed my legs were too skinny to display. Satan tried to attack me in every way fathomable in terms of lack of self worth. I'm seeing now God's humor and plan was so much cooler then my own insecure dillusions. And maybe they weren't even dillusions. Maybe people did have negative things to say about me . Who cares. My friend Dave told me not too long ago one of the most poignant things I have ever heard. I told him I was always worried about pleasing people,doing and saying the "right" things. He said, "It's none of your business if people like you." I try to live by that mantra now. Not with a lack of self awareness,but with a comfort level that if I like myself and allow God to work in my character,the rest will fall into place.

God has taken me so far. Before I got bowel disease I was the most shy person I knew. I would go to teachers in High school and ask to be opted out of oral presentations. If they wouldn't let me , I would often just stay home faking illness that day. I remember the times I did speak in front of class I would stutter and couldn't even get words out. I started to become more secure my Junior and Senior year, but was still very shy in many regards.

When I was asked to coach basketball after I graduated, I said no because I couldn't fathom speaking in front of people consistently. God had other plans and long story short I was led to change my mind, and coach. Thank God I did. Those 8 years taught me so much and brought so many memories to me. Now public speech is one of my favorite things to do when I'm well prepared and passionate about what I'm speaking about.

I could have easily looked at what's happened to me since October 20th,1997 as a bad joke. It was right around the time in my life that I was finally fitting in socially that a pooping disease struck. A freaking pooping disease!!?? Really though? How awful right? I will write in the future about my journey down the road of 50,000 plus bowel movements since 1997. To put that in persepective,you have had about 4700 in that same time.

How funny though when you think about it. The paranoid self conscious kid was forced to deal with bowel disease,going bald at 21 because of medication, having to wear glasses again due to vision breakdown from disease and medication, and the topic of today's blog, warts on my fingers. I believe you have to talk about what embarasses you to make it feasably livable.

Truth be told, I believe "warts" are only so "gross" because the word "wart" is just so unflattering and grotesque sounding. What if we called it " Treading Water in the Ocean", or "Kissing in the Rain?" I bet people wouldn't be as grossed out by them. But the word wart creates its own stigma,and let's be honest,they aren't the prettiest things anyways. But the word itself wreaks more havoc on the immunovirus's attrocity then realistically necessary.

So all that being said, I'm gonna talk about my finger warts. Crohn's disease is basically an idiotic immune system fighting good organs,thinking it's fighting bad bacteria off. Well, from my confused immune system came a immunovirus in the form of one small wart. The first one formed about 5 years ago on my index finger above my knuckle. It started small and I never treated it for years. Eventually a bunch started forming. The original had recently in the last year become so raised,ugly,and big that i covered it with either bandaides,duct tape, or sports tape everytime I went out .

Well......I got really frustrated last week with them. I have tried alot of things to no avail. Freezing ,burning, using salcyllic acid,and cutting them off,among other things. Some of them went away,but then others word form . This original beast of a wart wouldn't budge. So the last few months I havent done much with them out of frustration,and the fact treating them hurts like the dickens (Ha)... so........

2 Saturdays ago I was annoyed, and prayed. I remember praying not in request, but in a way that I truly believed it was already done. I prayed for God to take away my warts,and actually in a moment of complete solace believed it to be fact as I prayed it. It's not easy achieving this level of prayer and it caught me off guard. The 'no doubt prayer' is a challenge because your mind can not fathom God's power with its wordly capacity. The mind is trained to worry,and doubt,and hem,and haw. Really though : Try going thru a day only thinking about God. Just keep saying his name over and over and not allowing yourself to think of one other thing, and see how long you can do this for. I think I did it for 45 seconds once before I started to think about an organic peanut butter sandwich and to worry about my lack of tennis skills. It's really hard. So when I prayed this prayer with unwavering faith ,I was ecstatic that it actually happened.......... And what happened next????????????

Monday morning I woke up and looked down at my finger and the "originator" had disappeared. Now for this to happen without treatment ,after five years of making itself at home on my finger,was so incredible that I jumped up looking for it. I searched my couch (I sleep on my couch because it's more comfortable then any of your beds are), deep and wide. The wart was not there. Now at risk of sounding like David Karesh to any of you non believers out there, I have to say this as truth : God zapped my wart and buried it as I slept, 2 days after praying a prayer in the rarified air of total faith. I look at it now and can't even see the root. There is even an indentation going inward. So it went from outward, awkward, ugly looking wart to inward skin that is a little red and healing,with no signs of any root or substance. Huh? God. Does. Miracles. In . His .Time. And. Within. His. Greater.Plan. ....... Pass me the kool-aid..

To me this was symbolic of something much more. My body has failed me . God knows it. God didn't do it,But God is fully aware of what I am going thru. He doesn't care if i die with a thousand warts on my finger though. My life is pointless if I don't see him and share what I see in him. I think its so cool that he took the original wart and not another one . By the way the others appear to be slowing fading too. But the fact he took the original is just confirmation of his true grace in my life . The years the locusts have stolen are going to be restored. He doesn't want to heal me without fixing the root of all the problems because what good am I if the body is well but the spirit is still rooted in discourse?..It starts with fixing the source of the slow fade.,the first wart if you will. You don't start assembling something in the middle of the directions. You start at one. So symbolically taking the mother wart away overnight after 5 plus years means so much more then the absence of this ugly sucker. Thank You Lord..More please........

Song Link : This song by Newsboys does and will always move me. It's the song that was playing when I got in my car a year and a half ago after My co-worker told me thanks to me praying for his brother ( well he said " keep up that crazy Sh&#!",but you get the point,) ..but after praying for his brother he told me that whatever "crazy Sh*&" I did caused his schizophrenic brother to walk out of his room after 6 months of not leaving it except to use the bathroom, and to come into the living room to watch tv and talk. And he had only told me about his brother because I had told him about my "visitation " from God that night. Another story for another time. But basically this song represents me realizing God was doing miracles and wanted to use me to show others how amazing he really was..This song moves me everytime I hear it,because of what it represented in my life that day in March of 2009,and what it means in the eternal echoing's as well. Read the words as it plays...So powerful......Enjoy,and may your warts be like a kiss in the rain from now on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sDiLPPNKEM